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Thursday, December 02, 2004

Free Shower Curtain!

So we're all fans of free stuff. Let's face it. From the free quarter when you check the telephone change slot to the 250mL bonus/enprime extra-big shampoo bottle at the drugstore, when something's free, it's better than good. It's great. It's awesome. It's fantastic. It's... free.

Myself, I am a grand fan of the free soap at hotels. Notsomuch the shampoo and conditioner, which is generally just tarted-up dish detergent and really not worth your while. However, soap is generally soap everywhere in the world, and while you can spend lots of money at home getting all snooty about anti-bacterial this and moisturizerizing that, soap's function is to get you clean, and most soaps do the job.

Aha, but what if the soap is free, like, say, at a hotel? Oh, I mean, I'm not naive, I realize the cost of the soap is buried in the hotel bill somewhere. But for us, on the tour of Asia Pacific which just wrapped up, we weren't footing the bill for accommodation. So, yes, the soap was truly free. And I stole a whole whack of it along the way through New Zealand, Australia, and Hong Kong. Collecting and hauling all that soap home was one of the joyful side projects of the Asia Pacific publicity tour for Planet Simpson. So I know of which I speak on the whole free soap front, and I'm uppity enough to get my fuss on about it. Oh, lemme just tell you all about the soap.

But to start with, you need to know a few basics about getting the most soap per night spent in a hotel.

Firstly, even though hotel soaps are usually smaller than the soap you have at home, most of them are still big enough to last a few days. But the maid service will replace your used soap with new soap 90% of the time, even if you can clearly get another day out of the bar you're already using. You want to put only unopened soap into your bag for taking home, so the idea is to get as much use out of the soap you have to open and use in the hotel room for cleanliness' sake, and not let them take that soap away (necessitating the opening of another, new soap which otherwise could be squirrelled away for stealing). So before you leave for your day out in the world, carefully wrap the used soap in toilet paper or kleenex and stuff it in the corner of your toiletries bag. Remember: you're not taking this soap home! You're just hiding it from the cleaning staff for the day, so they'll give you a new soap that comes in a wrapper. When you return in the evening, snatch up all the new soaps in the room and tuck them away first thing. Then take the sticky toilet paper plus soap mess out of your bag, wash it off, and put it back in the soap dish. Voila, conservation.

The second thing you need to remember is that there are often two soaps in the bathroom: the one at the vanity sink, and the one in the soapdish of the bathtub or shower (or if you're lucky, you have both a shower and a seperate tub, and they each have a soap dish). The sink soap is often smaller than the tub soap. This is important to keep in mind, because you want to take the largest soaps home, always. As such the best thing to do is stuff the tub soaps in your bag right off so you don't open them by accident. Open and use only the sink soap (remembering of course to hide them from the cleaning staff in the morning each day so that they are replenished), which as we've already discussed, will last you more than one day even if they are smaller.

Third, and lastly, don't fall victim to the idea that it's trashy to steal the hotel soaps. For pete's sake, you're supposed to steal the soaps. That's why they're there! That's why they often wrap them in packaging that says the hotel's name on it - free advertising in your home bathroom in exchange for a few cents worth of soap is a good investment, it says so in every quality hotelier's business plan. And really: you're too good to take home the soap? Who are you, Queen Elizabeth? Ken Finkleman? Jesus, get over yourself and steal the soaps, already.

Whereupon The Hotels of Asia Pacific Are Subjected To A Ranking Based On Their Toiletries

1. First hotel of the trip was the Regal Airport Hotel in Hong Kong. Lovely place; we were just there for the day's stopover of 14 hours, but we were given a two-room suite that also had two bathrooms. You know what that means, don't you? That's right, twice the soap! Good lather, so-so smell, overall a 6

2. Second hotel was the Auckland Hilton. Hell of a hotel. You may remember our kick-ass view over the harbour from the postings on the blog. What we neglected to take photos of, however, was the bathroom. What a lovely place to spend some time, that bathroom. We had a glass shower stall and a jacuzzi tub, various places to lounge around, a giant mirror, and even a pillar in there. The soap was also lovely, overpackaged in plastic, but otherwise nice. Tea tree 'aromatherapy' flavoured, bland smell, overall an 7.

3. Third hotel was the Stamford Plaza in Brisbane. Again, one hell of a hotel. We were on the TOP floor! And again, the room's bathroom was outstanding. It reminded me of a private yacht club bathroom I'd seen in St. Jean Cap Ferrat (just before me and my friends were unceremoniously tossed from the place for being asshole English-speaking teenagers sneaking in with no membership): tasteful striped wallpaper, abundant towels, nice low square stools upon which to sit, two sinks, even a television, and a lot of unused floor space. And the soap: people, we peaked early. The soap at the Stamford was waaaaaayyy nicer than it needed to be to get my thumbs-up. Lovely huge round bars wrapped in paper with monogrammed sticker labels, these soaps smelled like something very expensive from the Crabtree and Evelyn 'special collection' vault. Overall, you just can't beat the Stamford Plaza for soap. A 10.

4. Fourth hotel was the Sofitel on Collins Street in downtown Melbourne. We heard from a local architecture buff that several dozen gorgeous Parisian-style historical walkups were bulldozed to make way for the hotel when it was built a few years ago, which does nothing for our impression of the place. But even before we heard this tidbit, the Sofitel wasn't super impressive. They didn't have the room ready when we arrived, we were eventually shunted into a room that had two single beds (which I obstinately pushed together late one night, at the expense of my back), and the hotel elevator system was the pits, constantly jammed with people trying to get somewhere, since the hotel lobby was on the 2nd floor, but the rooms and restaurant and so forth all started on the 35th floor. (Which of course begs the question: What the hell? What's going on on the other 33 floors? And that's a question we can't answer, I'm afraid. We just don't know. Our elevators didn't stop at those floors.) Before I move on to the discussion of their soap, the only nice thing I have to say about the Sofitel is that they had free apples at the front desk, which saved both of us from a few blood sugar crashes during our time in the Melbourne publicity gauntlet.

But the soap? Well, the Sofitel obviously hoped to curry favour with all of us frustrated-with-the-elevators people through the bathroom toiletries selection and quality, because they went all out. Thick bars of designer Aveda soap, shampoo, conditioner, and body lotion were on offer. There was a substantial shower cap and nail file supplied, as well as cotton balls, a serious sewing kit, and q-tips aplenty. I managed to sneak two extra bars of soap out of the maid on our last day, too, so I left this hotel extra-endowed. Overall on the soap, a 9.

5. Next up, our fifth hotel, the harbourside Marriott in Sydney. Again with the retardedly slow elevator service, it was almost faster to take the stairs 12 flights up to our room than wait in the lobby with all the other guests standing there tapping their feet and getting increasingly mobbish about the constant delays. Our room at the Marriott was totally standard, your basic high-end hotel room. But there were no bathrobes and no slippers, and no conditioner, and the shower stall leaked all over the (very slippery, we learned) floor. But they they had pretty good soaps, though I only managed to snag two over the course of our stay because although there was a sink and a seperate shower and tub set, there was only one soap provided to the bathroom each day. What they did provide wasn't bad, nice standard clean smell. Overall a 6.

6. For our final night in Australia we were shuffled off to the Medina Executive Suites hotel in a substantially less-grand part of Sydney. A totally serviceable room and we didn't really spend much time in it, but we nevertheless came away with two bars of soap. The cheapest quality of the lot, it was okay, did the cleaning trick but not much else. Packaged in mooshy pink cardboard and labelled "soap". Overall a 4.

7. Last hotel, lucky number seven, was the Grand Plaza in Hong Kong. When I die I would like to be reincarnated as one of the hawks that swoop around the upper floors of that hotel, showing off for the guests. Our bathroom was fricken ridiculous, with black marble covering everything horizontal or vertical, and was tastefully appointed with several sets of brass fixtures worth the price of our car in Canada. The water pressure was so fantastic that the giant shower stall actually had a breeze when you turned on the water. And the soap, well they sure didn't scrimp on the soap. Again with the huge circular bars, again with the monogrammed sticker labels. But I'll put it slightly behind the soap at the Stamford Plaza, if only for the scent, which was only magnificent and not absolutely flawlessly divine. Overall a 9.5.

8. Thaba and Phet's condo in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia was our final overnight destination. They gave us their own bedroom for the stay, which had a lovely blue-tiled ensuite bathroom. You'll be glad to know that I do have some scruples and never had any intention of stealing soap from my best friend, so shame on you for even thinking I would consider it. But what they had in the bathroom was yellow and worked great. Overall an 8.

So now we're home and totally, completely, and utterly exhausted and wrung out, finished, completement grille bruille. We unpacked in a daze but one thing's for certain: you betcha we're lathering up a storm here in Cowtown with all our awesome free soap booty. Aww yeah.

Posted by Ashley at 06:30 PM (-07:00 GMT)

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